Seminarian in Searching

As I had expected, I had high hopes for writing here more often, but then the weight of school, family, and life in general snuck up on me very quickly. I do have some intentions of introducing the different classes I am in, some of the connections I am making, and other things that have really sparked my interest in starting at PSR. In general, I would say it was a great decision to switch to PSR, and although I’m exhausted, I am loving the climate so far.

In most of my classes, we begin with one of the students leading a practice, meditation, or presenting on the week’s reading. One thing most of my cohort has clung to is guided writing or free writing. (I did it first and I’m claiming it 💅🏼.) And I have even had a professor give some free writing prompts.

I thought since I have been behind on this, I would share what I’ve been typing. Some of these are EXTREMELY vulnerable. Trigger warning: this may hurt the feelings of readers who come across this. However, I am currently in a time of growth and transition, and I’m finding my inner peace, so these are for me, and I’m willing to share them with you.

I hope this lands with you, reader. I hope you find some comfort and hope.

Reflection from Jenny

Where did you see God this week in your life?

There has been much laughter this week—videos on TikTok, my kids in the car, or tickle fights. Listening to my fantastic husband be an amazing stepdad while I am in class and hearing my family laugh and share time even without me directly in the room. Care, concern, and laughter are the core of my faith.

What did you learn this week?

Talking about the concept of peace and blessings, where do you see yourself blessed this week, or what did you find missing or broken in your life this week?

Prompt 1 – **I didn’t actually write this prompt, but it was basically to describe something we see in the room**

 My water bottle has been on more adventures in the last years than most people. What an interesting perspective he has had, too. While he spends a lot of time in a backpack or carry-on luggage, when he is out in the world, what a fascinating perspective he has from the ground. So often, he is placed on the floor next to the chair. He knows people only by voice and shoe and not by face. He hangs at hip level as we walk up and up and up through the woods. What interesting flora and fauna he must experience from there that goes unnoticed by the rest of us on the path. He had tumbles, falls, leaks, and spills. He has been shared with the children and the spouse. He has been dumped and refilled only for the pleasure of the TSA. What a life of wonder my water bottle has experienced. Far beyond what anyone would think, and purely for the purpose of my own thirst. What might he thirst for? What roads have I taken him down where he would rather not have been? What experiences is he missing?

Prompt 2 – What is the one thing you wish someone would say to you? 

It’s ok. Relaxing is ok. Calming yourself is ok. Not feeling ok is ok. Being here and doing what you can do and only that is ok. Keep being ok. When you can’t be ok, that is ok also. There is no wrong or right way to be ok. Some days are good and some days are bad, and both of those are ok. Anxiety will happen, and that is ok. Joy will happen, and that is ok. Anger will happen, and that is ok. Being human and feeling human is ok. Not feeling human is ok. Remind yourself that you are ok, and the world will help you too. 

Prompt 3 – If you could relive an event that happened in your past without changing it, what would it be and why?

I would relive my trip to Disneyland with the boys. The most joy I have in life is seeing them experience joy. Everything I do every day, all the time, conscious or not, is to ensure that my children have a happy, fulfilling, and successful childhood. It is so much easier said than done. And while material things are not the key to happiness, to have spent the time with them and see the joy in their eyes as they met their favorite characters, rode wild rides, ate delicious food, and got to feel the magic that is Disney fills my heart with more joy than I could imagine. It was a trip filled with many yeses and very little nos. Fireworks, parades, and lots and lots of sugar. Them learning how much I liked the photographers and stopping me when I didn’t notice one, even if they were tired of taking pictures. The pride when my eldest tried every single ride, even if it scared him. They instantly snore as soon as their head hits the pillow. Up bright and early, ready to walk back to the park and do it all again. Not missing one firework show, even if we were all exhausted. Being with my children, these precious humans who are so full of excitement and life. I would give anything to live magic moments over and over and over with them.

October 10^th

When was the first time you remember being aware of your family’s financial status?

That is a tougher one for me to explain. I don’t know if I was aware early on, or if it wasn’t until much later, like my high school days. I know that by the time I was in high school, I was very aware of the financial status of my family. I think it’s also important to note that my mother and father were separated almost my whole life, and around the age of 7 my mother’s financial statues seemingly got much better than my fathers. Again, even at that time, I wasn’t aware of the contrast between their financial statuses until later in life. I hold a lot of contempt towards my mother for many reasons, including sending me to live with my father in 7^th grade, and a big portion of that was that he was not seemingly as financially secure as she was. When she sent me away to live with him, I felt like I didn’t get any additional financial support from her, and harbored a lot of resentment for how that affected me throughout high school. There are a lot of feelings I have that my early adult life would have gone completely different if I had better support in high school. As a 35-year-old man now, I don’t know if that would have actually made life better or just different, but those are still emotions I deal with regularly, especially during the more difficult periods of life, and especially when it comes to experiencing financial hardships now as an adult. There is no real way to know. I don’t think that my family’s financial status as a young child really affected me in too much of a negative way. While I may not have had the other luxuries or necessities that other kids had, we had a very rich and happy life. 

What is the ideal situation for you in which you would feel comfortable economically? What does that life look like?

I’d like to say that I’m humble. I think, especially with the previous years’ economic hardships for my family, my expectations are low. I would like to be in a dual-income household. I would like to be less dependent on credit and more on cash transactions. I would like to have a significant amount of savings so that any surprise financial issues would not be stressful, but just done. I would like to be able to leave Target without double-checking the cart before getting to the register. When friends invite us out to places, I would like not to have to check menu prices or decide if it is worth it before making a decision. I would like to be in a position where I don’t check my bank account every morning when I wake up to make sure there are no surprises, or have to transfer money to the side, knowing an important purchase or bill is coming up. I don’t feel that I need a big house or the fanciest car or extremely lavish travel plans, but to know that I have a reliable car, a comfortable house, and travel as I’d like is nice. To not have to constantly wonder where the next payment is coming from, and to just trust that the money is there. In current American culture, I think this is probably actually considered upper-middle to upper-class. It feels like this should be the basics. I feel like this is how many people actually live around me and in my social circles, but I would venture to guess there are more people who are worried about these same concerns as well. No matter what, I never want my kids to feel that they are a financial burden or that they need to worry about the basic necessities being met, or even some of the additional extracurricular activities.